Choosing Yourself Again After Becoming a Mother

At twenty-two, even though I could barely cook a meal that didn’t involve several things coming from cans, I found myself living in a brand new city where I was alone for twelve to fourteen hours a day with a new baby, while I ultimately tried and failed to love and accept my new body/role in society.

Somehow despite the loneliness, depression, body dysmorphia, and the mental insanity of a colicky baby, I still fell in love with motherhood and felt it was my higher calling. I used to wonder why I became a mother so young and why my life looked different than I’d envisioned, but they came exactly when I needed their guidance.

It was my love for them that got me into counseling, pushed me to heal from my eating disorders, and to finally face my fears.

Motherhood expands your heart, which is terrifying; it feels like removing a part of your soul and sending it out into the world. And with that love comes a shadow of guilt anytime you break the promise you made the first time you held them. The one we all make where we say we’ll be there for all the ups and downs, fiercely protect them, and always love them unconditionally.

Sometimes that guilt is an annoying voice when you’re giving a stern lecture, and other times it’s a big blinking light that can make people stay in relationships that don’t fundamentally work because you know breaking that promise is the scariest/worst thing you could ever do.

But, after taking the plunge into the unknown I’ve slowly realized that the only thing they want and need are parents who consistently show up as their best selves, which means doing whatever it takes for us to be those people. And as long as I continue to love them unconditionally and to see their individuality, then they’ll know when I’m not there on Christmas morning or at night to tell another adventure of Princess Madelyn (the wise) and Princess Roslyn (the brave) that I always want to be there.

Now that the dust has settled and I’ve watched them grow and flourish alongside me, I can see that the greatest gift I’ve given them is showing the importance of living in happiness and authenticity. Throughout the past year and a half, I gave myself the time and permission to feel the depths of it all and I learned that when you hold space for yourself during the lows by giving yourself the grace and compassion you deserve, then you have nothing to be scared of because nothing can truly shake you. Live in your authenticity; your happiness matters too.